Is that even possible? Can you be shocked, but not surprised? Either way, thats kinda how I'm feeling. Let me explain- my aunt died. (Before I go on, I hope that any family members who read this do not get offended or hurt, these are just my thoughts and my way of dealing with the situation.) She is my mom's younger sister and was only 44 years old.
Today when I came home from a very fun outing with Lexi the very first thing my mom says to me is "Merlene died". First thing I said, "WHAT?!" It actually took me a few moments to process what she had said, also I was trying to take in her mood/expression/red eyes to see if this was a joke. It turns out her boss had called my Grandma today because Merlene hadn't shown up to work in a couple days, which was very unlike her. Grandma went over to her house, saw her car was there but everything was locked up and knew something was wrong. She called the police, who came and broke into her house and found her in her bed. They think she died sometime Thur eve/Fri morn. They will be doing an autopsy to find out exactly when and why she died.
Now to the part about me not being super surprised. My aunt has many health problems- some self inflicted. She has severe asthma, allergic to cats (yet she has at least 4), drinks, smokes, and does drugs (pills). Wanna hear something really sad? Here's one of my most vivid memories of her: When I was about 10 my aunt had her 5 nieces (ranging in age from 13-8) over for a girls night/slumber party. We watched "Ghost" and we had apple juice, while she had her "special apple juice". Anyways, when our movie ended we realized we hadn't seen aunt Merlene in a while. We knocked on the bathroom door- no answer. We knew she was in there since it was a very tiny apartment. We kept knocking and trying to get a response. We finally peaked through the peak hole and saw her sitting on the toilet, but slumped over passed out. I don't remember if we prayed first or called first, but I remember we all got down on our knees and prayed- probably for comfort, her safety, and to know what to do. We also called my uncle and grandpa- who showed up with an axe. (still a funny memory to me, even amid the horror of that night). Grandpa and my uncle broke down the door. That's were my memory ends. I know we ended up going over to my cousins house to finish our slumber party.
Anyways, I am still sad and am sad for my mom, grandma, and other aunts and uncle. It's never an easy thing when someone you love dies, even if you don't approve of their activities of choice, you still love them and it's still sad when they are gone. My feelings: at least she is with Grandpa and now he can help her understand her choices and hopefully still be part of our eternal family.
Ok, anyways I just wanted to write out my thoughts and feelings.